[Oxford University Light Entertainment Society]

The Last Cow in Nowheresville (Trinity, 2010)

Last Cow tells the tale of a young adventurer's stay in a seemingly innocuous place called Nowheresville, a town beset by villainy from all sides, in which the only cow left looks suspiciously like a pantomime horse. The play is notable for its use of meta-textual dialogue, its genre-savvy characters, and the large amount of cross-dressing


Narrator-Marcus Garner-Hatcher (Lincoln)
"speaking of penis jokes"
The Linedance Kid-Tom Perkins (New)
"last night in bed"
Wayne Clintwood-Dan Artus (Regent's Park)
"don't push it"
Butch the Indecisively Named-Sasha McKenna (St Hildas)
"the adjective"
Good Hench-Benjamin Nye (Hertford)
"won't stop till the drag me off"
Bad Hench-Seb Atay
"three commandments I haven't broken yet"
Ugly Hench-Helen Nightingale (Somerville)
"I'll verb your noun"
Sheriff Benedict-Fabby Styles (Oriel)
"amoral associate"
Deputy Order-Mariel Harrison (St Hilda's)
"more imprisonment without trial"
Virginia Cockermouth-Thomas Woolley (St Johns)
"broadcaster of bovine brainwaves"
Handjive Harry
(Local Tycoon)
-Duncan Coutts (Worcester)
"special socks"
Scarlett-Felicity White (Merton)
"rassifrassin' varmints"
Jane-Eilise Norris (Mansfield)
"not sure why I mentioned it"
Doc Green-Richard Owen (Ex-Lincoln)
"only a model"
Dr Doctor-Martin Corcoran (St. Edmund Hall)
Rubber-Jonathan Sims (St. Hilda's)
Ducky-Tim Ledsam (Hertford)
"acquired taste"
Monty-Sally Outen (Ex-Worcester)
"I'm so happy"
Roberta Fett-Hannah Snell (Balliol)
"even the most hardened criminals can play the ukulele, ma'am"
Bandito 1-Martin Corcoran (St. Edmund Hall)
"itchy moustache"
Bandito 2-Jonathan Lipscombe (Mansfield)
Bandito 3-Tim Ledsam (Hertford)
"was going for Gloria Gaynor"
Old Spurious Exposition-Péter Connell
Mysterious Stranger-Alice Young (Hertford)
"ukulele troll"
Written by-The SHAM
Additional material by-Marcus Garner-Hatcher (Lincoln)
"more words that are funny"
Directed by-Jenni Goodchild (Mansfield)
rk hughes (hertford)
"suitably offensive"
Musical Director-Samuel Swinnerton (Queen's)
"did not sign up for this"
Songs by-Perry Hartland-Asbury (Mansfield)
Jenni Goodchild (Mansfield)
Fabby Styles (Oriel)
Samuel Swinnerton (Queen's)
Felicity White (Merton)
with help from-Marcus Garner-Hatcher (Lincoln)
Jonathan Sims (St. Hilda's)
Sasha McKenna (St Hildas)
rk hughes (hertford)

Script and Programme

Flosscars Wins

Best PropTim Ledsam (Hertford) for The Plot Crunch-o-matic 3000
Best Special EffectPerry Hartland-Asbury (Mansfield) for Tumbleweed
Best fluff/fuck-up/cock-up during a performanceTim Ledsam (Hertford) for Breaking Rule 3. You know, the one that was written because of this incident...

Flosscars Nominations

Best HeroTom Perkins (New) for The Line-Dance Kid
The "M-Tropolis and M-Town" award for Best Double Act/CoupleDan Artus (Regent's Park) and Tom Perkins (New) for The Line-Dance Kid and Wayne Clintwood
Sasha McKenna (St Hildas) and Fabby Styles (Oriel) for Sheriff Benedict and Butch the Indecisively Named
Best Portrayal of a Member of the Opposite SexSasha McKenna (St Hildas) for Butch the Spurious Adjective
Thomas Woolley (St Johns) for Virginia Cockermouth
The "Tom Reynolds" Award for most Spurious AccentMariel Harrison (St Hilda's) for Deputy Lauren Order
Tim Ledsam (Hertford) for Ducky the Hooker
Tim Ledsam (Hertford) for Mexican Bandito
Marcus Garner-Hatcher (Lincoln) for Old Line Dance Kid
The whole cast
Best Directing TeamJenni Goodchild (Mansfield), rk hughes (hertford) and Samuel Swinnerton (Queen's)
Best WriterThe SHAM and Marcus Garner-Hatcher (Lincoln)
Best SongFabby Styles (Oriel) for Any Man I Can
Felicity White (Merton) and Samuel Swinnerton (Queen's) for Nothing Ever Happens Here In Nowheresville
Best CostumeTim Ledsam (Hertford) for Ducky the Hooker
Best fluff/fuck-up/cock-up during a performancePerry Hartland-Asbury (Mansfield) and Tim Ledsam (Hertford) for The onstage destruction of the plot-crunch-o-matic...
Best Quote (during a show)Martin Corcoran (St. Edmund Hall) and The SHAM for "Moo moo I'm a coo milk me noo milk me noo"
Richard Owen (Ex-Lincoln) and The SHAM for "Pseudoscience away!...Oh yes, this pulsating erection should give us quite the golden shower."
The "Dan Artus" Award for Best Worst Line-learnerRichard Owen (Ex-Lincoln) for Doc Green
Dan Artus (Regent's Park) for Wayne Clintwood
The "Ooh you luvvie" Award for actually being able to actHelen Nightingale (Somerville) for Ugly Hench
The "Beyond the Call of Duty" Award for Going Beyond the Call of DutyHelen Nightingale (Somerville) for Ugly Hench
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